


Keep It All In

by Ghost_Captain



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Angst, M/M, Schoolstuck, Unrequited Love, just be forewarned, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-12-01 22:34:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20920370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Captain/pseuds/Ghost_Captain
Summary: In which Dave has a LOT of pent up emotions and john gets slammed with them. Maybe a little too quickly.This fic is mostly just me throwing up angst ideas I had late at night. Not my best work but not my worst. Enjoy my self indulgent angst fic.





	Keep It All In

He’d been waiting awhile for you. 

You didn’t even say you were going to be gone for awhile. But you were, and he was probably worried about you. 

You rubbed the tears from your eyes under your nearly completely obscuring sunglasses, and trudged into your room. You took a quick glance behind you before closing the door and slumping against it. Just another normal day in the Strider household. You’re starting to wonder if those ironic movies your Bro makes are worth the struggle. That and the training sessions you two partake in, which is what you just returned from. 

This is what you were used to. This was normal. Right?

A ping came from your computer that you were all too accustomed to. Sighing, you pushed yourself up from the floor and made your way over to your computer chair, wiping some blood away from your nose. It’s much more comfortable anyway, so this was probably better to do.

Your eyes tiredly trailed across the screen.

EB: dave?  
EB: daaaaave.  
EB: aw c’mon you wouldn’t leave your bro hanging!  
EB: okay you probably went to the bathroom or something.  
EB: be quicker oh my goooood.

Your friend was pretty persistent on getting your attention. You sighed. 

TG: im here bro dont worry

A response came almost immediately.

EB: daaave!! finally!  
EB: i thought you died or something, jeez. 

You kind of wish you had. The aching in your very bones reminded you how miserable you were. 

TG: aw man youre so sweet  
TG: worrying about me and shit  
EB: of course! what where you doing though?  
TG: nothing really  
TG: i was just doing a bit of training  
EB: oh that training stuff again? why didn’t you tell me?  
TG: i forgot sorry dude  
TG: it kinda slipped my mind and i was already pretty into it when i remembered  
TG: sorry  
EB: oh it’s cool bro! :B  
EB: we all forget stuff sometimes. 

You wonder what you did to deserve such an amazing friend. You frowned ever so slightly. You can’t ruin that with your selfish desires. You closed your fist, taking a moment before replying. 

TG: hey can i come over  
TG: for like uh  
TG: the night?  
TG: i dont care if you say no im just asking

You do care. You care so fucking much in fact. You feel that going to see him will make you feel a lot better. That and you really really want out of the apartment for a bit. You anxiously squeezed your fist as it was closed, waiting for a response before another little ping sound came from your computer.

EB: huh? sure! a sleepover sounds pretty good.  
EB: out of the blue though haha.  
EB: i’ll ask my dad but i don’t think he will mind!  
EB: when do you want to come by the way?  
TG: right after i get my shit together if you dont mind  
EB: yeah! one sec then i’ll be back!

With that you got up and went to pack your things into a duffel bag, grabbing some pyjama pants and a few other little things you wanted to bring over. You were about to start folding up your card suit patterned blanket before pesterchum went off again.

EB: dad said yes! you don’t need to bring any bedding and stuff by the way, i’ve got stuff for you! :B

You swung by your computer again without sitting down. 

TG: sick thanks dude  
TG: ill be over real soon then just gimme a bit  
EB: fuck yeah! See you soon!

You decided the duffel bag needed to be discarded now as it would be too much. You dumped out the contents of the backpack you use for school, twelfth grade worksheets of all sorts scattering across your floor. Whoops. You supposed you’d deal with those later. You were sure they’re overdue but you can do them easy enough. Later. You also took this time to quickly change out of your battered and dirty clothes. 

Pulling the bag onto one shoulder you left the room, taking a key from your keychain and locking the door. You knew if Bro wanted to get into your room he could, but this just gave you a better sense of security despite that. You assumed he jumped ship after he beat your ass so when you leave the apartment you locked the door. Good to be safe there too.

Off you go to John’s house. It’s not terribly far from your apartment complex, and only takes about a 15 minute brisk walk to get to. Unfortunately for you, you couldn’t walk briskly right now. Or even quickly. You felt like a crippled person. You ached so horribly but the thought of going to see John was driving you on. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About 30 minutes of pained walking later you arrived at his door. It was already a bit past dinner, but you were used to going without. So it wasn’t much of a problem. Standing on the doorstep you sighed, you were honestly jealous of his house. It was so simple and quaint, a perfect family home. You only wished you have a perfect family home with a perfect family. Gazing up at it pulled on your heart and you grit your teeth. What a fantasy that was. 

Pushing your finger onto the doorbell you pulled the backpack up on your shoulder again. You heard thumping rapidly getting closer to the door and smiled faintly. The door swung open. 

“Dave! You know you don’t have to ring the doorbell dude, you can just walk in.” John’s smile was as bright as ever and it made your heart flutter. You immediately quelled the feeling and shrugged. 

“Can’t blame me for being polite can you?” You stepped into the doorway and John closed the door behind you. You already felt better. This house made you feel a lot more comfortable than your own. 

“Alright you can go up and put your stuff in my room. Have you eaten yet? Dad held off making supper for a bit, just in case. He’s making it now.” You start your way toward the stairwell as you listened. Mr. Egbert was the parental figure you wished you had. He loved his son dearly and always wanted the best for him, and whenever you were over he treated you so well. Bless his heart for waiting. 

“I haven’t actually!” You called back, halfway up the stairs. An affirming noise came from your friend and you heard him begin talking to his father in the kitchen. Your stomach growled. God you were hungry. You’d only eaten a granola bar today that you had stashed under your bed. Which was a normal portion size of meals for a day. Sometimes when Bro was out for an extended period of time, you’d treat yourself to nicer foods like TV dinners or even going out to get something to cook. You were never really good at cooking, your only lessons being the ones given at school, but the stuff you made was edible, and was some gourmet ass shit for you. Going to a friend’s house and having food cooked by their parents? Truly a gift sent by god himself to you.

Placing your bag down against John’s bed you retrieved your phone from it and made your way back downstairs to see John on the couch. His face lit up when he saw Dave and he patted the couch cushion beside himself. 

“Supper is gonna take a little longer so I’m just watching a movie while we wait.” He explained as you slid into the seat next to him. Leaning back on the couch you look to the TV to see what he could be watching. Oh hey, Kick Ass. That's a pretty good movie, though you could have sworn… 

Oh. Yep. There he is. What would John Egbert be if he wasn't finding some way to watch a movie Nicolas Cage has starred in. He seemingly noticed your amusement at this and elbowed you. 

“C’mon it’s a good movie! I know you like it.” He chuckled and you rolled your eyes, crossing your arms and leaning back a bit.

“Yeah yeah. Your obsession with this guy is pretty weird though.” You let your eyes rest on John without turning your head from the screen. If he were clever enough, he could see you looking right at him. But he was pretty locked into the screen of the television. You wished he could be as enamored with you as he was with Cage there. He talked about him all the time. You wished he would talk about you all the time to everyone. You squeezed your fist shut a little. He did. You shouldn’t be so selfish about this. He would always gush about how cool you were and everything that made you feel good. When he would talk about you when he thought you weren’t around it made you feel like a 12 year old girl admiring her childhood crush. 

“I’m not obsessed I just think he’s cool! Rugged and strong in every role. What a role model.” John exclaimed, suddenly looking over to you. At lightning speed you turned your head to face him which no doubt probably still startled him even after it being the millionth time you’ve done it. “You just don’t appreciate him enough.” He fake pouted and you chuckled softly in response.

“Sounds like you’re obsessed dude.” You teased, poking him in the side; which gained a squeak from him. In retaliation he poked you back and both of you began to aggressively poke each other. 

“Boys!” You heard Mr. Egbert call you two from the kitchen, interrupting your nearly tickle fight. You were both glad and sad it was interrupted. Glad because John was prodding your bruises pretty harshly and keeping from yelping in pain was hard, as well as you didn’t want to bust up laughing around him. You’ve got a coolkid facade to keep up. Sad though because seeing the joy on John’s face was utter bliss, and you were just generally having fun. 

“Dinner’s ready!” John’s dad stuck his head out of the kitchen to look at you two sorting yourselves out. You flattened your hair down before you pushed your hands into John’s and messed it up further. You gained an offended “HEY!” before you hopped up from the couch and were promptly chased into the kitchen. 

When you entered Mr. Egbert was setting up plates of what seemed to be spaghetti. Fuck. Yes.

The issue with standing next to John after tormenting him was height. John’s arm rested on the top of your head as he looked over to you with a cheeky grin. Your lips turned into a frown ever so slightly which made his grin even wider. Little shit. 

Turning around Mr. Egbert handed you both plates. 

“You two can eat on the couch as long as you don’t make a mess. If you do clean it up. There’s more if you want seconds, you both know where to get stuff.” He instructed. You and John agreed immediately. “I’ll be in the study if you two need me,” and with that he was gone. You made your way back to the living room and cozied yourself on the couch to begin eating. John came in after you with two cans of soda and settled in next to you. 

“Thought you’d like something to drink.” He smiled softly, handing you the can. You took it gingerly and put it between your legs as you set the plate of food on the arm of the couch. 

You practically inhaled the food and even went for seconds. John was pretty used to this when you came over for dinner and only ever really teased you about having a bottomless stomach. Which you always just laughed off. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You two had watched about two movies before you both started getting bored. John was pressed up against your side and honestly you were just hoping your heart wouldn’t jump out of your throat. You wanted so badly to wrap your arm around his shoulders, but that would be weird right? Right. Hearing him sigh and shift you glanced down at him as he sat up. 

“We should probably go up to my room now.” John stretched and stood from the couch, prompting you to do the same. You reached down to the floor and grabbed the plate you neglected to put in the sink earlier. You wandered off to the kitchen to do just that, John doing the same. Afterward both of you headed up to John’s room. John immediately flopping on his bed. You sat on it as well, as you normally do when you chill in his room and leaned against the wall. He looked up at you from his lying position on the bed. “Why did you wanna come over today?” His question caught you off guard. You weren’t ready to answer. There was a moment of quiet before you shrug. 

“I dunno. I just wanted to. Missed seeing my best bro.” You tilted your head down to him so he knew you were looking at him. He probably wouldn’t have known you were since you sat down if you didn’t do that. 

For some reason something told you he didn’t fully believe your answer by the way he looked at you. You flicked your gaze away to another part of the room, feeling a bit hot under your skin. John frowns.

“Are you sure? You know your best bro is here to talk whenever right?” He placed a hand on your leg and you flinched involuntarily. Which of course made him frown further. Fuck. 

“Yeah man all’s good in my hood. Don’t worry, alright?” You feigned a smile and John sighed. He seemed to get the message that you didn’t want to talk about it and dropped it. You were grateful for that. But the feeling in your gut kept nagging at you to say something, anything. He sat up and pulled his legs up further on the bed. 

“Wanna play some games before we go to bed? You brought your switch right?” 

You nodded. The switch you got was a joint gift from your friends and you nearly cried when you got it. You were insanely grateful for it as it was the newest console you owned. Most of the games you’d play were on pc. You leaned down to your bag and pull out the red case that housed your device, pulling it out.

“Lemme go change into my pyjama pants real quick and then we can play.” You also pulled out the pair of pants and got up, wandering off to go to the bathroom. You assumed John was taking your lead too. Quickly changing you used the washroom as well and looked to yourself in the mirror, frowning you pulled up your shades to fully see yourself without the dark tint and sighed. You rolled up your sleeves and winced as you ran your hand over a few bruises a bit too hard. Shaking your head you returned to the bedroom, seeing John already in his jammies as well a grin on his face.

“Race me on mario kart, I’m gonna kick your ass!” John’s demeanor seemed to be pretty competitive, getting very excited about this kart racing business. You were glad for the distraction and readily agreed. 

“You’re gonna be the one who’s gonna get his ass kicked.” You switch on the game system and make your way to mario kart.

He kicked your ass.

You slumped down in defeat. 

“I told you I’d kick your ass. Eat shit Strider~” He teased, causing you to roll your eyes. You put your switch down and leaned back against the wall again. 

“Uuuuugh. I thought I had you that last race!” Which gained a giggle of triumph from your friend. God you loved his laugh. You’d lose mario kart against him every day if it meant you heard that laugh. You gazed fondly at him 

You both sit quietly for a bit, scrolling through your phones as friends do when they’re together and don’t know what else to do. It’s dark out now and the only light in the room is the light from your phones. You hear John yawn.

“Do you mind if I tuck in for the night? You can stay up and even use my computer if you want, just keep quiet.” John shuffled a bit up to the head of the bed. You shook your head.

“Nah, that's cool. I’m kinda tired too.” You locked your phone and got up to get the spare blanket and pillow on the floor at the end of the bed. A small sound came from John and you turned over to him. 

“You’re not about to sleep on the floor are you?” You could barely see in the dark of the room past your already dark shades, but you could tell he was frowning. You shrugged, lifting the comforter. 

“Yeah? I mean it’s cool.” You were hoping, praying he was gonna offer you his bed. It would be like some kind of anime where you share the bed and bond with each other and the love blossoms and everything is perfect. You stalled a bit as he seemed to figure out what to say.

“My bed is big enough to share. It’s not like it would be weird.” He chuckled with a shrug in return and your heart thumped hard enough in your chest, you could have sworn he would have heard it. You pushed down all your excited emotions as not to sound weird and way too eager. 

“Shit dude really? Thanks. It’s a lot better than the uncomfortable ass floor.” You mused, walking over to the open side of the bed as John scooted over closer to the wall. The bed wasn’t small by any means but it’s not on the huge size. Leaving just enough room for you both not to be uncomfortable. You brought the extra blanket to sleep with rather than getting under John’s. Which of course was the most clever action due to the latter being a bit too intimate. 

Unfortunately, things got awkward about as fast as you laid down and got comfortable. Neither of you really knew what to do, but neither of you were going to sleep. This was hellish. 

“So”

“So”

“Shit, sorry you go first.” You chuckled inwardly at the exchange, rolling onto your back and turning your head over to John. Sunglasses still on your face. Normally you’d take them off but, you’re not taking chances. You could sleep with them on anyway.

“Oh. Okay so uh. I don’t mean to pry or anything so like, I’m sorry if I upset you but.” He seemed to be figuring out what kind of words to say. “Why did you really want to come over here? I know I asked you earlier, and you said it was just because, and I trust you of course, but just, I have a gut feeling something’s just, not right dude.”

Your jaw stiffened and you let out a heavy sigh. You could feel the worried hesitation radiating off of John beside you and despite him asking you not to feel pressured, you felt like you needed to say something. You faced up to the ceiling, looking at the glow in the dark stars and planets tacked to it. John had received them from Rose a few months back and employed your help to set them up. They were a cheap dollarstore gift that Rose just thought were cute, but John had appreciated them nonetheless. 

“I wanted to get out of the house.” You started, “I just didn’t feel comfortable.” John looked at you in concern as you spoke, but also looked a little lost. 

“Not, comfortable?”

“Uh. The training and shit. It’s not so much as training fighting styles and more so Bro just royally whooping my ass.” You raised up an arm, pulling the sleeve up your arm as well. You doubted John could see very well, but the dark welts and cuts were pretty hard to miss otherwise. John rose a tentative hand toward it and you flinched back. You sighed. Might as well dump everything now that you’ve spilled that little secret. “I eat so much when I’m here because I barely get a decent meal when I’m home. God it doesn’t even feel like home.” You pressed your hands to your face now as you began your poor me ramble. You hated the idea of this but at the same time you so desperately needed this. It was eating you from the inside out, you felt it in your gut twisting and squirming and making you miserable. Every time you thought about it you felt as if you were going to burst. Have emotions flow out of you like a high pressure hose. You’d always fold the hose and leave it be. That’s how it should have been and how it always has been. Unfortunately you didn’t pay any mind to the grand buildup behind the kink in the tube.

And now that hose has been unkinked and let free to spray everyone nearby. That everyone being John. 

Tears began to stream down from your face, something you never fathomed happening in the presence of another person. Especially not John. You pushed your hands under your shades, rubbing the quickly forming tears from your eyes, but you were already crying too hard to stop it. 

“I’m sure he hates me. He never wanted to raise me. I can’t even remember my actual parents.” You shuddered a sob. “He used to be better. But he just got worse over time. I don’t know what it is, grief? Resentment? I don’t know what I did to him. He just, leaves me to fend for myself and uses me for his weird fucking movies. I’m so uncomfortable. I always have to be alert. I lock my own door even though I know he can get in. I’m so fucking scared John. I’m in so much physical and mental pain. I just want to live a normal life.” You felt John pull you in close to himself. Hugging you tightly. 

“How… How long has this been happening…?” He murmured, wiping a few tears from your cheeks. If you weren’t feeling so overwhelmed with negative feelings right now, this would have made your heart leap from your chest. You took a moment to put yourself together again enough to speak and sniffled. 

“Years…” You squeezed your eyes shut for a moment. “Since I was pretty young it started getting bad, grade 3 maybe?” You felt John squeeze you tighter and sit you both up. You didn’t even care that he’s moving your glasses right now. This felt like some shit straight out of an anime. He placed the glasses on the bed next to you two and pulled you into a proper hug.

“Thank you. For telling me that is. I can help you okay? I’m so so sorry you’ve gone through that.” Those words from his mouth made your heart soar. Sure, you were pretty much an adult now, but you still never got a proper childhood. You never knew what being an adult would be like. So being an adult in this situation truly made no difference. 

“Thanks…” You murmured and smiled. A genuine smile. You felt safer already in Johns arms. You stayed like that in a comfortable silence, save for the sniffles coming from you as you wind down. John pulled away from you, scanning your face. 

“You have really nice eyes Dave. You shouldn’t hide them so much.” He commented, causing you to realize that you didn’t have your shades on this whole time. You started looking panicked and John placed his hands on your shoulders, trying to ground you. You slump your shoulders and relax a bit. You didn’t expect such a simple response from him about it to be completely honest. You darted your gaze across his face, scanning for any other emotion other than fondness. Concern, worry. No exhaustion, not fed up, not uncomfortable. God bless John Egbert. You were startled out of your admiration when he spoke again. “So what did you want to say before that when we interrupted ourselves?” He tilted his head slightly and your heart sunk a bit. You didn’t expect him to want to ask about that.

The issue with that was what you wanted to say was nearly impulse, and you were glad John had wanted to say something too. You squeezed your fist shut, digging your nails into your palm. You had no idea how to word this, or what to say. 

“I uh… John. Erm. Fuck.” You squeezed your eyes shut and John leaned toward you in a concerned manner. You leaned back a little bit. You put your hands on your face again and groaned. “Fuck. John okay I really like you alright? Like a whole fucking lot. Like I love you dude. I have for awhile and I know this is a really fucking weird time to talk about it, after me just crying about some serious shit, and maybe I should have saved this for another time but like. Everything is flowing out of me like a damn broken kitchen sink and I can’t really keep this shit in. I just wanna hold your hand and shit and kiss your cute face and UGH I’m so sorry.” You slumped your upper body down, waiting for something, anything. Maybe this would turn out like an anime your brother Dirk always talked about. He lived with his boyfriend and was a bit older than you, but he always kept in contact. So you got a lot of anime recommendations. But all you got was silence. A very uncomfortable silence. 

“Dave, I-”

-

You slept on the floor that night.

**Author's Note:**

> Secret ending
> 
> John just has to take time to think over all the stuff Dave said, Dave gets out of the abusive household and john comes to terms with his feelings and they become boyfriends because unhappy endings hurt my heart. even when im writing them. dont worry everyone they turn out okay in the end.


End file.
